Published December 13, 2005
Christmas with a captial CHRIST,
where school is canceled
and the poor suffice.
Where people work extra hours,
like tiny little mice,
for more of the money,
of an amount just thrice.
Where loved ones love,
in the whiteout snow,
and the ones with nothing,
keep the big hole.
The hole in their soul.
People dont bother,
to give out free gifts,
or free love or free money,
to give the lesser the lift.
Chirstmas with a captital CHRIST,
is all very mean and not so nice.
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The hole in their soul.
This made me giggle...
I liked the first stanza and the last lines, but the stuff in between could use some work. Like Snoink said, try metering your lines, and it will flow better.
I like the last two lines. Otherwise... um... yeah.
I think the problem is you're trying too hard to rhyme, but you're forgeting about metering. Remember: metering is more important than rhyme. Read it aloud. Does it seem to flow? Probably not.
So what can you do? Find a consistant metering scheme. How many syllables do you want in this line? How about this line? Go through your poem and count the syllables. Then, after you've done that, begin to edit the poem. Does this line need more syllables or less? Change, add, and delete words as you see fit.
Oh dear... don't you love to be in the world of structured poetry?